I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
