one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
