What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
