Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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