Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
