I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
