my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
