im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
