why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
