Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
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Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
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I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?