I think I just saw someone hide a body.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.