Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
