my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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