The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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