i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My bed is full of blood and feathers
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
