My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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