I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
barbara walters just said penis...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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