when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
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you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
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Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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