I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
