my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
