Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
