I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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