How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
