I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
