I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
