My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
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my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
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Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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