shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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