Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
