I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
