Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
