thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
