why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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