My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
