went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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