I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
