I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Green mimosas i think yes
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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