When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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