last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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