I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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