Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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