i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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