I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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