Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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