What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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