Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
