What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
