she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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