omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
