two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
