Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
