god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
