It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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