My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
