I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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