Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
